the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
