Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
