new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
this will be a night to untag.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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