I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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