Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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