Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just gargled with NyQuil
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
