can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
