i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
