she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
