bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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