at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
