I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
