So drunk its hurt
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
