her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She even gives head with a lisp.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
