the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
