you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
