That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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