i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
