would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
