I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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