in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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