I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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