We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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