So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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