I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
