In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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