i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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