I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
