she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There's always time for handjobs
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
