i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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