Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
