I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
