fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
