I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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