I cannot find my penis.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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