Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
