Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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