so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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