dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
