I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
