i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
