i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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