the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
