my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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