Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
