I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
