im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Two words: nipple clamps
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