why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
