We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
