Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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